Couples Attachment in Adults


Where you’re in a tight spot, in confusion, slow down, pause - this is key in relationship.


A diagnostic tool is to see how much eye contact a couple makes in first 20 minutes of the first session. 


Can remind people explicitly in the beginning of a workshop or session - we’re not looking deep into the soul, just from the back of head, and it’s ok to turn away and look back again. If client is looking too deep/invading, invite them to look from the back of their head and let them know they can look away and look back and that I am not going anywhere.


Attachment Style - arises from the primary caregiver relationship. We learn how to be in intimate relationship in the first year of life.


For me — Mom is anxious avoidant, Dad is avoidant, I am avoidant and a little anxious with Mom and Dad. Mom was tired and overwhelmed, this made me feel like my needs are too much, my desire is too much, it is overwhelming to the other person, so don’t even ask because there isn’t enough energy to meet.


In twins - identical twins often attach with each other, non-identical twins, usually one with primary caregiver and the other with the other twin or the other caregiver/parent, one secure and one not secure. 


In couples relationships, we will find and get into relationship with the people who will promote the most growth.